Wasted

LOTS OF WAITING AND LOVING AND HOPING AND WISHING...
but nothing turned out great.

I've waited and love him for five long years, hoping against hope that he would realize my place - my rightful place in his life. And I guess, he did. He realized I could not be his special girl. This rant is oh soo yesterday. Haha. But you know, I still die a little inside thinking about us.

I'm certain that this feeling I've been taking care of for so long could not be taken away from me unless I'd find that guy who would make an effort to be part of my life and would assure me that everything's going to be okay and would love me as much as I love him. Where are you?

Good things do end.

Bata: Abi nako'g wala na ka..

Lola: abi nimo biyaan tika? Dili ra ba.

One of the nicest conversations I've ever heard. I was waiting at the lobby of the hospital for my nurse on duty to sign my back-up form when I accidentally heard this.

When we heard touching conversations like this, our thought tend to jump on those situations where we wanted to be reassured like that or to the people who are always on our side, or so we thought.

I never thought of lola leaving us that early forever. When someone close in your heart dies, it seems that nothing about her had vanished but what hurts is the feeling of certainty that you could not see that person ever again - not even in afar.

You really can't hold on to those people who got away. They can't take your emotions along with them. People who stayed out of your life deserves nothing, not even a single piece of you. People got away because they're destined to or they have to. Some stayed out of your life because they wanted to.

The people who left you or you choose to live without will be the very same people whom you will have your what ifs. What ifs are the worst questions in life. They made you suffer and provide you no answers unless you'll learn to accept that rewinds don't exist in real life.

Review of systems

Bumisita ako sa isa sa mga ospital na pinagdyudyutihan ko noong estudyante pa ako nang maramdaman kong miss na miss ko na palang magduty ulit. Naabutan ko ang paborito kong C.I, natuwa naman ako at napangiti sa kanya. Nagkumustahan at pagkatapos nun nagpaalam na siya para pauwiin ng maaga ang mga estudyante niya. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, wala pa rin siyang pinagbago, kaya ko nga siya paborito e. Hahaha

Noong hayskul ako, hindi ako bumibisita sa ospital kahit kapatid ko pa ang maysakit. Hindi ako kumakain ng kahit anong pagkain galing sa ospital. Sa simpleng salita ayaw ko ng ospital. Hindi ko nga alam kung paanong napunta ako sa propesyong ni sa panaginip ay hindi ko pinangarap.

At ayun na nga. Pinasok ko ang nakakapagod pero masaya at satisfying na mundo ng nursing. Nagsimula kami magduty pagkatapos ng capping namin. 3rd year kami nun. Nangangapa pa rin sa lahat ng gagawin. First time e. Mabuti na lang at napakabait ng C.I namin at OPD lang aming area. Ayos! Fresh na fresh pa din ang mga return demonstrations namin noon kaya konting mali o hindi ideal na paggawa ng procedure sa ospital napapansin namin. Pero di katagalan, masasanay ka na rin at mapapatanong kung bakit napaka-ideal ng return demonstration samantalang minamani mani lang ng ibang mga nurses ang mga gawain sa ospital.

Kalaban na kalaban ko ang requirements noon. Halos maubos english vocabulary ko kakagawa ng reaction paper every week. Isa pang kaaway ko noon ang DR at ER na rotation. Pag yan na mga department na ang area ko, iniiyakan ko yan bago ang duty ko. Ewan ko ba. Gustong gusto kong mag-absent pero Takot ako sa extension duty kaya iniiyak ko na lang. Isa pang pinaka-kalaban ko nung college ang PM Shift (3-11). Sobrang batong-bato ako sa shift na ito. Samahan mo pa ng napakatagal na pagdaan ng oras - Haay! Mahirap maging student nurse. Lahat kelangan mong mapagdaanan sa mahirap na paraan. Pati simpleng pathophysiology ng lagnat gagawing kumplikado, mahirapan ka lang. Haha.

Nasabi ko nga na ayaw ko ng extension duty. Pero sa kasamaang palad, ang extension duty at ako ay magkakambal. Sa apat na taon ko sa college, kada end of the semester may extension ako. Asar! Buti na lang at sa huling semester ng college nilubayan na ako nito. Ewan ko ba bakit ang lapit lapit ko sa extension. Sadya lang siguro akong tanga o malas o hindi ko talaga alam. Wala pa naman akong I.R. O kahit anong life threatening issues, palagi lang talaga akong late. Yun lang. Late lang ako kaya ako lageng may extension.

Hindi naman mahirap maging student nurse. Nakakapagod pero masaya. Masayang alalahanin ang mga duty na punong puno ng tawanan. Yun bang kahit gaano katoxic ang C.I mo okay lang kasi alam mong mapapagaan yun ng mga kasama mo.

Speaking of toxic C.I., may dalawa akong clinical instructor na talagang iniyakan ko rin dahil sa katoxican. Naubos ko na ang lahat ng dasal na alam ko di ko lang sila ma-encounter ulit, na sana di ko sila makasalubong sa hallway o sana kainin sila ng lupa oras na pakialaman nila student life ko (hindi naman talaga ako harsh, may mga tao lang talagang masakit makita na nasa kanila pa rin ang huling halakhak). 

Ngayon, heto ako at nagmumuni muni ng mga pangyayaring kahit kelan alam kong di ko na maibabalik. Kung meron man akong pinagsisihan noon yun ay ang hindi ko pag-eenjoy sa mga bagay na dapat sana ay binigyan ko ng importansya. Kahit na masaya ako pagnag-duduty pero kinakikitaan ko pa rin iyon ng reklamo. Di ko man lang naisip na ang mga duty na iyon ang tutulong sa akin para maging mabuting nars :)

Wala lang. Ito ay litanya ng isang fresh graduate na namiss ang kanyang student life :( 

It's been MONTHS.

I don't have anything sensible to write so might as well turn this computer off. hahaha

But no, I can't do that. Writing is the only thing I have that made me sane :) So to start, I miss singing! like really. Well, I've been admitting this for the nth time now, I don't have a natural talent or anything of the like but at least I can do or persuade myself to do something worthwhile or others may think I'm good at. So yes, go back to singing. Singing WAS my great love. :) Unfortunately, my career shrink just before it rises. I'm not that damn best or should I say not even close to being good (my litany's hitting everyone again).But you know, singing makes me feel good but definitely not about myself. Its just giving me that good vibes. And it's been months since I felt that good vibes showered to me by singing :)

To Note: Arbey Harris Salveron

Just after I sit in front of this monitor, your face just appeared in my mind. haha and you're next.

So, you're featured here huh?! Hahaha. But kidding aside, i know I've told you enough how much our friendshp means to me-how you personally mean to me. I think we are better friends now than we were back then. I'm just so great I used my heart to deal with you and got this chance to see how our friendship could be better again through time. 

I was really sorry for all the things I've told you, I mean those! Hahaha. Really, I mean everything. But of course, I'm better now - I'm not GETTING BETTER anymore but I'm ALREADY BETTER. We are better off this way, I believe. 

 Sydkik, I know you are also sorry for everything. I cant handcount how many times you tell me that. I just don't know if it's because you have hurt me or everything about us is REALLY over. Whatever it is, I'm okey with it. I'm okey now, I've already forgotten every single thing. I'm okey with us being JUST FRIENDS forever. That's totally and heartily acceptable:) 

Before I settle this down and put these things to the past, I really wanted to thank you.Thank you for everything you did offer to me:)) Its just so amazing that we became sydkik, strangers, lovers, strangers again and eventually back to being sydkik for real. Ex-lovers being the closest friends? Haha That's epic, you know? 

Basta, happy kaayo kaayo kaayo ko na OKAY na ta, like, really. Congratulations kay R.N. na ka! As what you've said, I quote: "Nagmana tayo sa isa't - isa", end quote. I hope we'd see each other again. Ayaw kaulaw kay R.N. na ka. <3 

Kung mamiss na ko ang Laboratory High school kay mamiss pud tika.:(( hahaha Oa noh? :D Maingon na jud ni nako: Iinvite jud ko sa imong kasal ha? :)) VERY close naman gud ta karon. 

Random thoughts of the day.

Thoughts inside the bathroom, while walking to the reveiw center, inside the review center and while alone at lunch. I have to write these on paper to make sure I'll remember all of it :)


~We don't fall inlove with every people we meet. So, when you feel that magic, don't let it slip away.:)

~It's okay to be in that situation wherein you know you'll regret later. What's not okay is to have what if's before you go to bed.

~True happiness is easy to find. Follow the desire of your heart.

~When you're grown up, you will realize that one of the best remedy to a broken heart is way back home.

~Greatness doesn't come along with success.

~Easy come, easy go. Not that true. Sometimes, it's just all about how a good keeper you are.

~Stars shine not because they glow but because you already know they have to shine for them to be called stars.

~To be stuck in a not so good plot would remind you how beautiful life is.

~Your emotions bring out the best in you.

~Why spend time with things that aren't your priority in the first place? Stay focus.

~We don't really do something for others. At the end of the day, realization will come that we actually do it to gratify ourselves - that is to make someone happy.